Once upon a time, in a mansion deep in the heart of the South, a beautiful blond princess borne to a heartless, cold woman and a cold, soulless man, fell illicitly in love with a beautiful blond prince. This beautiful blond prince happens to be the very much younger half-brother of her father, which makes him a dirty uncle, though not quite so dirty, and yet dirty all the same. The parents of the princess who are very religious people are not so happy with this. They disinherit the princess and the uncle and throw them out of the mansion. The princess and the uncle, shamed and utterly humiliated, flee in the dead of night, never to be heard from in polite society ever again.

But fate is seemingly kind to pretty, blond people and the princess called Corinne and the dirty uncle called Christopher, change their last name to Dollaganger, manage to build a happy little life together, in love and utterly ensnared with each other’s remarkable golden blond looks. Genetics be damned, the two pretty pretty people make love like pretty pretty blond monkeys and produce two perfectly beautiful blond and blue eyed children with two arms, two legs, and are luckily intelligent and talented in their own special way. The blond girl-child is named Cathy and the blond boy-child is named Christopher, after their father. The two children are so utterly perfect and doll-like that they are nicknamed the Dresden Dolls. The girl-child is beloved by the father and shows signs of growing up to be one of those creatures seeking a man to marry who will love her the way Daddy had loved her. The boy-child is favored by the mommy. The mother Corrine, unsatisfied with her current lot and practically mocking fate to give her mutant deformed babies, gets pregnant again and has two more perfectly golden blond babies, fraternal twins called Cory and Carrie. Cathy pouts when she discovers she will no longer be the baby of the family and solicits a promise from her daddy that he will not love the new girl-child more than he loves her and as a testament to that promise, Daddy puts on a heart-shaped garnet ring on Cathy’s tiny doll-like finger.

(more…)

Jackie Kessler is a good writer. All the time I was reading The Road to Hell, I was thinking I hope she writes something else soon. However, this particular book wasn’t for me.

It’s not hugely surprising that it didn’t appeal to me. I’m not much of an urban fantasy fan and I’m really not keen on the sort of dry, arch first person POV employed by the heroine, so it was always going to be an uphill struggle for Kessler to win me over. Having said that, I have no doubt that there are lots of urban fantasy fans out there who will love Jesse’s voice. (Bam, for one, liked the first book in this series.

Before I get onto the reasons why I didn’t like The Road to Hell, let me indulge myself with a couple of examples of Kessler’s rather gorgeous prose, like this bit of the prologue:

As I die now, feeling strong arms holding me tight, hearing a voice whisper it’s okay, my mind plays back the events that set me on the road to Hell, good intentions and all. Faces flash behind my closed eyes, almost too fast to follow - the incubus’s fang-filled grin, the Erinyes hissing with reptilian fury, the angel crying fat, salty tears. My love, my White Knight, a name on his lips that isn’t mine…

(more…)

Previously on Antiques Roadshow: Vampire Edition: Victoria goes to Italy to inspect some vampire happenings, Max is acting squirrelly, there’s some shit about some vampires trying to get a hold of A MAGICAL ITEM that will enable them to rule the world, Victoria and Sebastian argue and make out a lot, and Max does something really, really bad.

And now: Victoria acquires more responsibility and drama than she could ever handle, Max comes out of his funk still brooding and growly, Victoria’s mom and her cronies descend upon Italy to provide hilarity and shenanigans, Victoria and Sebastian argue and make out a lot, those damn vampires are still trying to get a hold of A MAGICAL ITEM that will enable them to rule the world, Victoria starts looking at Max in a totally different light (tramp!), we find out something about Sebastian that I already totally called from Book 1, AND Max has to make A VERY BIG DECISION that will change his life forevah. Oh, and Victoria is still crying and moaning about Philip even though she now has a stable of mens to worry about. Jesus, girl, shake the dwelling and get over it!

Do I gotta warn you people about spoilers?

(more…)

Grade: C+

A few folks have emailed me asking me if I was going to review this book and here it is. Rejoice! If you’re expecting a rant where I totally lose my shit and promise never to read LKH again, you’re reading the wrong review. I don’t know if I’ve become immune to the ardeur or Anita’s many lovers or the editorial mistakes (there’s a HUGE one on page 238 that is an ENORMOUS CONTINUITY ERROR and makes a total liar of the earlier books of the series— but I was told this was merely a typo), but… you know, I did not experience frothing at the mouth while reading this entry to the Anita Blake series. My main reaction? Meh. For those of you who have read my LKH reviews, that’s a BIG improvement from “ZOMGWTFBBQ I HATE YOU LKH I WILL NEVER READ YOU AGAIN WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOUR FACE!!!!!!!!1111!!” What I will tell you is how much I dreaded reading this book (though I pre-ordered it 8 months in advance— I’m sick, I need help) because I heard rumors that my favorite ice-cold sociopath Edward is going to be in it (he is!) and was afraid this is the book in which Anita and Edward will consummate their friendship (and let’s face it, Edward is the only hold-over from the earlier books that Anita has not yet had sex with or shoved out of her life). Let me just ease your mind (SPOILER!) and say… they don’t. There. Now you can breathe. As for the rest of the book… Meh. I was bored by all the politics and the sex and the standing-around-discussing-how-cool-Anita-is (and couldn’t be arsed enough to pay attention, so I may have one or fifty factual errors in this post), but for the first time since Narcissus in Chains, I am seeing the light of the end of the tunnel. It’s a very, very tiny, faint light… but it’s there! I mean, this book didn’t make me stick a knife into my eye or anything. You guys, I think the Anita Blake we knew and loved might be coming back…

Yes, I’m sick. I need help.

(more…)

Grade: A-

[REPOST: THIS BOOK IS OUT NOW. GO BUY IT!]

I wasn’t sure if I should review this book because I totally geeked out on the author sticking my name in the acknowledgment page and pretty much bragged to anyone who’ll listen! I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep my objectivity and feel bad about giving Ms. Gleason a bad grade. Fortunately, this book did not suck. No, it was a little more than unsucky, it was actually pretty good! This series started out with the gimmicky premise of Buffy Meets Jane Austen, but I think it has surpassed that. While reading this book, I actually had to put it down a couple of times because I was afraid the heroine wasn’t going to make it out of the sticky situations she just happened to find herself in, but there were also a couple of scenes that tore my heart out of my chest like that time Buffy sent Angel to Hell by stabbing him through the chest with a fucking sword. I’m still traumatized, man. Anyway, there were spots in this book that had me scratching my head and wondering what the hell (heh!) was going on, but for the most part, I was totally absorbed. Victoria, the heroine, is developing into a seriously smart, kickass chick and the two men in her life, Sebastian and Max… oh, totally broke my heart. Dicks. Oh, man, I’m so thankful that Gleason wrote a severely readable book and I was spared from a potentially awwwwkward situation of giving her a shitty grade. What a pal. Oh… and spoilers aplenty in this biznatch.

(more…)