Previously on Antiques Roadshow: Vampire Edition: Victoria goes to Italy to inspect some vampire happenings, Max is acting squirrelly, there’s some shit about some vampires trying to get a hold of A MAGICAL ITEM that will enable them to rule the world, Victoria and Sebastian argue and make out a lot, and Max does something really, really bad.

And now: Victoria acquires more responsibility and drama than she could ever handle, Max comes out of his funk still brooding and growly, Victoria’s mom and her cronies descend upon Italy to provide hilarity and shenanigans, Victoria and Sebastian argue and make out a lot, those damn vampires are still trying to get a hold of A MAGICAL ITEM that will enable them to rule the world, Victoria starts looking at Max in a totally different light (tramp!), we find out something about Sebastian that I already totally called from Book 1, AND Max has to make A VERY BIG DECISION that will change his life forevah. Oh, and Victoria is still crying and moaning about Philip even though she now has a stable of mens to worry about. Jesus, girl, shake the dwelling and get over it!

Do I gotta warn you people about spoilers?

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Grade: C+

A few folks have emailed me asking me if I was going to review this book and here it is. Rejoice! If you’re expecting a rant where I totally lose my shit and promise never to read LKH again, you’re reading the wrong review. I don’t know if I’ve become immune to the ardeur or Anita’s many lovers or the editorial mistakes (there’s a HUGE one on page 238 that is an ENORMOUS CONTINUITY ERROR and makes a total liar of the earlier books of the series— but I was told this was merely a typo), but… you know, I did not experience frothing at the mouth while reading this entry to the Anita Blake series. My main reaction? Meh. For those of you who have read my LKH reviews, that’s a BIG improvement from “ZOMGWTFBBQ I HATE YOU LKH I WILL NEVER READ YOU AGAIN WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOUR FACE!!!!!!!!1111!!” What I will tell you is how much I dreaded reading this book (though I pre-ordered it 8 months in advance— I’m sick, I need help) because I heard rumors that my favorite ice-cold sociopath Edward is going to be in it (he is!) and was afraid this is the book in which Anita and Edward will consummate their friendship (and let’s face it, Edward is the only hold-over from the earlier books that Anita has not yet had sex with or shoved out of her life). Let me just ease your mind (SPOILER!) and say… they don’t. There. Now you can breathe. As for the rest of the book… Meh. I was bored by all the politics and the sex and the standing-around-discussing-how-cool-Anita-is (and couldn’t be arsed enough to pay attention, so I may have one or fifty factual errors in this post), but for the first time since Narcissus in Chains, I am seeing the light of the end of the tunnel. It’s a very, very tiny, faint light… but it’s there! I mean, this book didn’t make me stick a knife into my eye or anything. You guys, I think the Anita Blake we knew and loved might be coming back…

Yes, I’m sick. I need help.

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Grade: A-

[REPOST: THIS BOOK IS OUT NOW. GO BUY IT!]

I wasn’t sure if I should review this book because I totally geeked out on the author sticking my name in the acknowledgment page and pretty much bragged to anyone who’ll listen! I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep my objectivity and feel bad about giving Ms. Gleason a bad grade. Fortunately, this book did not suck. No, it was a little more than unsucky, it was actually pretty good! This series started out with the gimmicky premise of Buffy Meets Jane Austen, but I think it has surpassed that. While reading this book, I actually had to put it down a couple of times because I was afraid the heroine wasn’t going to make it out of the sticky situations she just happened to find herself in, but there were also a couple of scenes that tore my heart out of my chest like that time Buffy sent Angel to Hell by stabbing him through the chest with a fucking sword. I’m still traumatized, man. Anyway, there were spots in this book that had me scratching my head and wondering what the hell (heh!) was going on, but for the most part, I was totally absorbed. Victoria, the heroine, is developing into a seriously smart, kickass chick and the two men in her life, Sebastian and Max… oh, totally broke my heart. Dicks. Oh, man, I’m so thankful that Gleason wrote a severely readable book and I was spared from a potentially awwwwkward situation of giving her a shitty grade. What a pal. Oh… and spoilers aplenty in this biznatch.

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Grade: A-

Here’s an anthology that totally made me squee like I was a teenage girl creaming myself all over the new Ben Jelen CD or something (Ben Jelen, btw? SUPER-HOT). Meg Cabot, Michele Jaffe, Kim Harrison, and Stephanie Meyer IN ONE BOOK? OMG!!!!!!! And all of these stories were sooooooo good! I even liked the one by the girl whose name I’ve never heard of (her last name is Myracle? *scoff*). My favorite? Stephanie Meyer’s, of course! She’s got a delicious good boy hero (very, very, very good) and a very, very bad girl heroine (very, very, very bad). And it worked! The rest of the stories… well, I can’t pick the second best, either! But if I had to definitely pick the one I liked the least… I’d have to say… Meg Cabot’s. While the story itself was good, I’m so not a fan of dueling first-person narratives and I had to get past that to be able to enjoy it. On the other hand, Myracle’s is creepy, yet oddly poignant; Jaffe’s is hilarious and clever; and Kim Harrison’s is suspenseful, scary, and sexy. And the theme that pulls them all together? THE PROM, of course! If you’re a fan of 80’s American teen flicks, you know how important the prom is! Everything gets resolved at the prom! Damn, I can’t quite remember my own, but if it’s anything like these prom stories, maybe I shouldn’t remember. Heh.

Meg Cabot’s The Exterminator’s Daughter is about a teenage vampire slayer named Mary stalking the mysterious, ridiculously handsome new boy hanging around her best friend Lila with a crossbow in her hand. There is a reason for this. Sebastian Drake, according to Mary, is a vampire. And Mary should know. She comes from a long line of vampire slayers and was trained by her mother who was recently incapacitated and is currently not in the game. Because of this, it is now up to Mary to stop this vampire on her own. Too bad Lila is not at all worried about her new boyfriend being a vampire and wants to become a vampire herself. Enter Adam, the cute best friend of Ted, the boy Lila dumped for Sebastian. When Adam saves Mary from being torn in half by Sebastian, Mary is forced to tell him about her vampire-huntin’ activities. And why she’s got personal beef with Sebastian Drake. Yes, it’s personal. Naturally, Lila wants to take Sebastian to the prom and Mary figures she should go to the prom too… only to watch over Lila, of course. And if Adam wants to take her…
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[Review by Annie Dean]
Grade: C

When I first saw this book, sent to me for review, I thought, Oh Christ, not another one. The world needs another vampire series the way I need to stop at Dunkin Donuts. The cover art is hot, though. The chick on it is sexy. I’d totally do her if I had two or three Margaritas under my belt and I wasn’t married.

I’m deeply conflicted about this book. I liked Dawn, the heroine and the writing showed occasional sparks of life that made me smile. It had awesome potential. I mean, one of the main characters is a midget. A psychic midget! How cool is that? And then there’s the hypnotic Voice that does crazy Vulcan mindsex with Dawn, so she comes in her panties every fourth page. Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little.

Dawn isn’t your typical heroine. She’s an adrenaline junkie who works as a stuntwoman and she uses sex in the same way. She doesn’t date, she just likes to fuck. It’s a recreational sport for her, which is quite different from the Madonna / Whore thing that most romance novels have going. I should be clear, though, this is not a romance. The book is weirdly erotic via the crazy Vulcan mindsex, but there’s no hero in the truest sense of the word (although I was rooting for Kiko. Why aren’t there more midget heroes in romance? That’s discrimation, I tell you! I’m writing somebody a letter.)

[Ed. Note: Well, you keep calling ‘em midgets. They prefer the term “little people,” you insensitive bitch.]

So Dawn returns to LA from a movie shoot to find her dad, Frank, missing. They had a weird relationship and are none too close, but apparently he started working as muscle for this enigmatic group of private investigators. Yep, that’s how she meets the midget and the Voice. It was all very Charlie and Bosley from Charlie’s Angels except Charlie never rogered Sabrina with his mental phallus (well, maybe in fan-fiction he did, I’ll Google it later). She’s drawn into this underworld that includes vampires and undead child actors (which explains Macaulay Culkin. Tell me he doesn’t look creepy in that pic, I dare you.) Dawn never seems to question what’s going on, though, and she’s just along for the ride, no matter how far from shore shet gets.

However, despite an interesting heroine, this book bored the shit out of me. We don’t need another vampire series and Ms. Green doesn’t do much to develop her vampires. Nothing on social status, nothing about the way their world works. The worldbuilding in this sucks ass. Now I realize it’s a series, but she could’ve laid the groundwork. As it stands, I do not care enough about this series to read another book, not even if somebody gives it to me. I can’t rate it an F because the writing is fine. The story is just comatose, which is fitting, I guess, since it’s about the undead.

The writing isn’t bad; like I said, she shows sparks now and then. I think the problem is, she wrote to the market. Ms. Green probably figured, “Vampires sell, so I’ll write about vampires.” Well, she’s right. The book sold, but I’ve had more fun watching my cats play tag than trying to wade through this story. I’m sorry, honey, this thing is DOA, not even the angry midget could save it.

Y’all, you can buy this book here.