Well, goddamn. I’ve never looked at a Silhouette hero and thought, “Uh! Uh! Yeah! Yeah! Give it to me, Papi! Punch it!” I could just be hormonal right now on account of Aunt Flo being in town and all, but there’s something about this cover that made my girly parts tingle something fierce. I wonder if it’s because homeboy looks eerily James Franco, whose male essence I want to take deeply into my body, so that I may carry his child in my lonely, empty womb. Drool… just look at those shoulders. I love how he looks at the woman like, “Man, bitch, I hate you… I really do. You disgust me. But I wouldn’t hate it if you got down on your knees and told me you loved me. With your tongue. No teeth, though.”

Anyway, the date on the bottom says Aug 2007 (I think), but why is our intrepid heroine dressed like a a chick from the… I don’t know, fifties or something? Oh, hey, it’s a wedding dress. She’s got little pearly things in her hair and stuff. She’s even got gloves! I can’t figure out the expression on her face. Is it trepidation? Is it a “Ooh, boy, I landed a James Franco look-alike who’s a gazillionaire and now I can lose my virginity!” kind of hope? Look, she’s happily signing away her soul to him and shit! That’s awesome. Five will get you ten she’s marrying this guy to save her family’s company and he’s marrying her ’cause he needs a “fake wife” as a permanent escort to corporate events and stuff. What’s a marriage of convenience when they inconveniently fall in love?

[fake blurb alert!]
Mary Beth Jones is a 21 year old cashier at the Winn-Dixie in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. All her life, people have told her she’s “purty enough to model” and Mary Beth has taken that to heart. Never mind that she has a snaggle tooth that will scare an orthodontist, a left eye that has the tendency to wander, and has to shave her whiskers in the morning (who doesn’t?)! Modeling is her way out and damn it, as soon as she gets off her shift at Winn Dixie, she’s heading for the mall for the ANTM try-outs!

Mary Beth, heretofore known as Maybeth, makes it to the top 12, even though Nigel Barker thinks she’s more “Sears Catalogue, Fall 1985″ than “high fashion”. Mr. Jay thinks she “thinks too much” about her poses and should just “go with the moment”. During panel, Tyra illustrates the difference between “wonk-eyed crazy” and “fieeeeeeeeeeerce”. Maybeth avoids being eliminated by being a backstabbing, shit-talking bitch that makes for good TV and as she tells the Camera Three, she is “not here to make friends” and “want[s] it more than anyone else here!” Miss Jay Alexander thinks she’s too short and has the tendency to look “draggish” especially with her lantern jaw.

And then comes the part of the show where the girls must pose with… a male model. The theme is… Highland Romance Novel Covers! Now Maybeth reveals her secret fear: she has a phobia of long-haired men with bigger boobs than she does and the male model she must pose with is… OH NOES, NATHAN KEMP! Maybeth tells Mr. Jay that she can pose for the cover by herself and will do so… naked. Edgy! Mr. Jay wishes her luck and tells her, “Don’t forget your neck!” Mr. Jay wanted to give her long flowing locks, but they ran out of human hair extensions and have to go with synthetic hair. OH NOES! At panel, Tyra tells Maybeth that as a model, she has to rise above her fears, even if that meant posing with a male cover model. She must strive and do everything for ONE GOOD SHOT and Tyra was hard-pressed to find anything “usable” in the whole bunch. Miss Jay Alexander thought she looked “awkward” and draggy”. Nigel Barker says the photo is “not good”. Twiggy says, “It’s too… commercial for me!” Thus Maybeth lands in the final two for the last time and… is… ELIMINATED!

[Ok, I realize that joke ran a little too long, but damn, I love me some ANTM.]

It’s a real man that can wear a lavender shirt and a thin gold tie without looking like one of those bitchy contestants from Project Runway and not say shit like, “It’s kind of, ya know, like trying to disguise a piece of shit amongst a bunch of diamonds. Whatever, even if you put pasties and a freaking maxi pad on the 13th model and send her down the runway, it’s like, who give a fuck at this point?”. Awesome.

Folks say a picture’s worth a thousand words and I know, just from looking at this cover, that this guy is a cowboy (or at least from the great state of Texas) AND ex-military without even looking at the blurb. How do I know this? It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes deducting skills, friends. Check out this belt buckle. Do you know anyone outside of a Texan who’d wear a buckle as big as his balls? And it’s obvious he’s got big balls, friends, ’cause he could wear a shirt like that without accidentally breaking out into, “Sashay, Chante!” Oh, and what’s that in his hand? Dog tags? Why is he carrying them around? Who knows! He’s a hero for sure, though. I bet he saved a whole battalion in Iraq just with a knife clenched between his teeth and a ball of twine in his hand.

I’m just happy there isn’t a gurgling baby on the cover despite the title being Bound By the Baby. What does that even mean? Did he knock up some dumb virgin by having sex with her without a condom ’cause he told her “you can’t get pregnant the first time”? Why would he marry anyone stupid enough to believe him? ‘Cause she’s pure, that’s why. And how does he manage to look five kinds of awesome in that shirt? Yeah, I have no answer to that.

Sister Jane wants me to write a little fake blurb for this particular cover, but honestly, I… zzzzz… zzz… whuh? Where am I? What’s going on here? Ahem. *wiping off drool from chin* According to a summary I found on Amazon:

A fictional version of the author serves as the narrator of Berlinski’s uneven first novel, a thriller set in Thailand. Mischa Berlinski, a reporter who’s moved to northern Thailand to be with his schoolteacher girlfriend, Rachel, hears from his friend Josh about the suicide of Martiya van der Leun, an American anthropologist, in a Thai jail, where she was serving 50 years for murder. As Mischa begins to investigate Martiya’s life and supposed crimes, he becomes increasingly obsessed with the woman.

…zzzzz… I’m sorry I fell asleep reading that, too. My hero, Stephen King, says “you can’t stop reading till midnight… cooks like a mother”. Really? REALLY, Steve? I’m all about not judging a book by its cover, but pfffft… I’m sorry, I couldn’t even type that. I’m not asking for mantitty or anything, but damn… could we have something a little more than a couple of blobs of blurry broccoli? I mean, it’s Thailand, right? Maybe we could have… like… a beach, with some evil-looking coconut trees with fronds that look like spikes… and fallen coconuts on the sand that eerily resemble skulls… and ooh! Maybe a volcano in the background somewhere. (Are there volcanoes in Thailand?) Man, even the font is boring. There’s something mundane and vaguely Nicholas Sparks about… zzzz… zzzz…

[fake blurb alert!]

Sarah Williams never thought she would ever become a mother. As a child, she was abducted by aliens and had all of her ova extracted in a rather painful way, but no one ever believed her. In fact, she spent most of her post-adolescent life in the Elysian Fields Asylum because she wouldn’t wouldn’t stop babbling about it. At thirty and still a virgin, Sarah is just trying to live a normal life, even though she doesn’t indulge in romantic relationships. Besides, she’s too busy pining for her boss, the world-renowned illusionist, Zachariah Sinclair, who doesn’t seem to know she exists. Frustrated and alone, Sarah musters up all the courage in her body and decides to seduce Sinclair. After one passion-filled night, Sarah finds herself miraculously pregnant… and in love.

Zack Sinclair has been a master illusionist for twenty years, but it’s been a trial staying on top what with upstarts locking themselves in glass boxes for a week with no food and water. Zack knows he’ll have to do something bigger than sawing his assistant in half if he wants to remain the Best Magician Evah. One day, while practicing a new trick, Zack accidentally banishes Sarah… and their unborn child to oblivion. Since Zack’s magic has been a little erratic, Sarah could be in a five-star suite or in the bottom of the Atlantic… and Zack is running out of time to find out. In a race against time and the police investigating the disappearance of his assistant, Zack must find Sarah… and their baby… before it’s too late!

Thanks to Amber for this cover.