Here’s a really nice, really classy cover. It’s freaking sexy, yeah? There’s something about it that really, really pisses me off, though. That blond-haired bitch looks like Giselle Bundchen and I hate that dirty whore. It’s a hate that knows no reason nor logic. Don’t ask. I get all verr klempt and shit just talking about it… so let’s not. *takes a deep breath*

This cover is so pretty that I can’t even come up with a fake blurb for it… sad face. But I’m going to try. Let’s see… the girl looks like… a Saffron. Saffron Matthews. And the sweet, sweet chocolate daddy she’s holding… hmm…. Damon. Damon Howard. Boo-yah!

Saffron Matthews is a radio personality who is famous for her sexy voice, trademark wit, and sassy sexual advice as WKRP’s Dr. Ladyluuuurve. Though Saffron is incredibly beautiful, tall, slender, has an awesome body, and can belch the national anthem after downing a six-pack of beer, she has a bit of a problem. Unknown to her listeners, the sexy Dr. Ladyluuuurve is still… a VIRGIN! She is cursed with a disease called vagina dentata and she is afraid that no man will ever touch her. According to her doctor, a man would have a steel cock to be able to have sex with her.

Hunky Damon Howard can’t seem to get a woman. He is handsome, wealthy, intelligent… except he was in an industrial accident once involving a paper press and… he is no longer the man he used to be. With the help of some friends in the robotics and cybernetics industry, Damon is now the proud owner… of a robot cock. Only his friends couldn’t quite perfect the synthetic skin necessary to cover it, so his penis… has the look of steel. His wife, disgusted by his metallic appendage, had already divorced him and he can’t get a woman to sleep with him no matter what he offers her. That is, until he meets the beautiful Saffron Matthews. From the moment Damon meets Saffron, he realizes he will do anything to possess her. But will their magnetic, instantaneous attraction overcome Damon’s… HUGE problem? Or will Damon never find a woman who can… truly love him?

Kids, The Average Girl’s Guide to Getting Laid will be released by Loose-id on April 17. Check it out!

[fake blurb alert!]

Melissa Johnson is tired of her “good girl” image. As the town’s mousy librarian, she encounters only retirees and kids looking for the latest Harry Potter book. Being a thirty-six year old virgin is a little frustrating and Melissa wants to get laid… badly. She has always dreamt of losing her virginity to a cowboy, particularly to Chase McStudly, the only man she has ever loved. In high school, Chase never paid attention to her, hanging out instead with his varsity wrestling buddies and giving them good “circulation-improving massages” after practice. Melissa will do just about anything to get Chase to notice her, even if it means venturing into Frederick’s of Hollywood and buying S&M inspired lingerie decorated with sparkles.

Chase McStudly has a secret: he is actually country music’s biggest recording star, Kenny Chesney. In his long, successful career, he has released many chart-topping hits such as “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy (But I Don’t Give a Shit About that Breeder Whore),” “You Had Me From Hello (’Cause You Answered the Door Wearing a Banana Hammock and Nothing Else),” “The Woman With You (Should Be Dumped so You Can Run Away With Me),” and “Keg in the Closet (Where I Like To Spend My Time)”. But Chase has a problem. A National Enquirer meanie is threatening to expose his secret life… and he needs a wife… FAST! Too bad his “wife” dumped him after four months of marriage citing “fraud,” and he can’t seem to trick anyone else into a marriage “in name only”. What a public relations nightmare! Out of desperation, Chase returns to his hometown and finds… Melissa Johnson, the girl who’s always been pathetically in love with him. He figures he could tie her up in bed, tell her it’s a BDSM game, and then go off drinking with his… um… buddies. It’s the perfect plan!

Only Chase never expected to fall in love… with Melissa’s spangle-studded lingerie. He’d been able to hide his “secret” for a long time… but will he be able to hide his predeliction for sparkly underwear?

I’m such a cad. I completely forgot to give credit where credit’s due. This cover was brought to you by my buddy, Laura… the sexiest woman alive.

… Even with a broken neck. Is it me or… does Cassie seem to be suffering from 1) a severe curvature of the spine or 2) just really bad posture? I had to really, really stare at this cover because I couldn’t tell at first if Cassie has her back to us and is looking over her shoulder (in that case, pssst… Cassie, I think your neck is broken) or if her front is as flat as her back. Ba-zing! Wait, wait… if I squint really hard, I can detect some boobage there. A little saggy, though. Dear old Cassie could use a bra, methinks, pull those babies up a little. She looks so frail, our Cassie, like she’d snap if she moved too much. Good thing boyfriend over there appears to be the kind of guy who prefers his women to stay very, very still while he’s making love to them. Maybe he even makes them take a very, very cold shower first. You know what I mean, homegirls? I mean, dude is… OH MY GOD! What the hell is going on with his fingers? Hell, what the hell is wrong with his hands? Not only are his fingers stubby-looking and freakishly short, his palm is also… oddly wide, but short. I don’t care how cute a guy is… if he’s got fugly hands, he ain’t getting his mitts on my hot bod. And his arm is also distractingly short. Maybe he’s a tall guy, but has little people limbs. Tragic! Ugh, I can’t look at his hands anymore. They make me nauseous. And what’s with the morbid-ass title? Is he tired of Cassie saying goodbye to him, so he’s going to end it once and for all and throw her off the cliff? “I’ve had it with you saying goodbye to me, Cassie! You will say goodbye… for the last time!” Dear God, I need a drink. It’s too early for this shit.

Thanks a lot, Amber!

[fake blurb alert]
Joe Malone is the most eligible bachelor in town. The town, Joeville, was named in his honor because he once bravely risked his life by saving a blond little girl stuck in a well clutching a blind, deaf, and mute kitten. Joe, a former Navy Seal who is now the best veterinarian ever, spends his free time building homes for orphans, reading out loud to blind children and Alzheimer’s patients, saving kittens stuck in trees (much to the ire of the fire department), and coaching a baseball team for the town’s disadvantaged youth. The ladies love Joe, but does Joe love the ladies? Even though it was five years ago that his wife Mary died while sitting in a tree she was trying to protect from loggers and was eaten alive by termites, Joe has not shown any interest in dating Joeville’s lovely available ladies, which has the townsfolk talking and wondering why. Enter Megan Manley.

Megan, a recent graduate from UC Berkley, received notice that her Aunt Agnes has died and left her a house in Joeville, Montana. Megan has always wanted to live in a small town, which is why she breaks up with her girlfriend Lydia because Lydia doesn’t want go with her and waste away in “Buttfuck, Montana”. With her suitcase in her hand, Megan arrives in Joeville and immediately meets Joe, her handsome and possibly bi-curious neighbor (Megan has a very accurate ‘dar). Megan has never been attracted to men, but there is something very gentle and very… delicate about Joe, and soon she finds herself slowly falling in love with him. When Joe reveals his fantasy of being dominated by a cowboy—-a fact he has kept a secret because he lives in a small town—-Megan is wary, but intrigued. Joe is a bit femme and Megan is fairly certain she can be man enough for the both of them. At the end of the day, is it just kinky sex or is it… true love?

This Christmas, could Joe and Megan convince the town to see past their small-minded prejudices, so that they may all have… The Best Little Joeville Christmas… Ever? Or will Megan’s dreams of living in a small town get crushed and they have to move to Greenwich…

Y’all may thank the lovely Amber for this cover.

[fake blurb alert]

Forty-five year old Mara Jensen has a problem: she can’t seem to keep a man longer than a night. She suspects it’s because she’s a Vulcan from the planet… well, Vulcan and her ears and hair part tend to freak people out. No matter what she’s tried to do with her hair, it has the tendency to sweep over to the side and reveal her scalp. She also used to be a hermaphrodite, but her parents had that taken care of when she was a baby, and sure, she has to take hormone injections for the rest of her life and—-[ahem] But that’s not Mara’s biggest problem. Once, while stranded in a space station with a bunch of cosmonauts and no food, Mara and crew had to draw straws to see who would be eaten first. Needless to say, Mara drew the longest stick. [hee, stick!] Once she’s back among civilization, Mara has tried to suppress her cannibalistic impulses, but she just can’t help herself. Especially when former Navy SEAL Treat Harris moves next door. Not only is he handsome and young, he is also very muscular… and Mara can’t resist but picturing him naked and slathered with A1 Steak Sauce.

Treat Harris was the best Navy SEAL evah. That is, until he was discharged from his unit because of a late-onset narcolepsy. During a routine training drill, Treat lost his best friend because he got a little too excited and promptly fell asleep, thus accidentally letting go of his best friend’s hand and dropping him into a meat grinder (WTF). Racked by guilt and having to deal with his illness, Treat has decided to live the life of a monk by moving into the most boring suburb in America and sit in front of the TV all day waiting for his disability checks. That is, until he meets Mara Jensen, his enigmatic neighbor… who seems to look at him like a slavering wolf and he’s a bloody steak. Zzzzzz….

[Ed. note: Yeah, I don’t know where I was going with that. That came off of the top of my head and the top of my head is not funny.]